Starting a NEW Religion!
Meet Frank Bailey… our most eclectic and unique writer. I don’t want to introduce you too him… I’ll let Frank tell you about himself in his own sarcastic way.
“Many of you know me to be an atheist, but no more. I have seen the light my friends and it glistens off of platinum scales of the greatest of all metallic dragons.
Metallic dragons, you see, are the noblest and most benevolent of all dragons and they live a long time, longer than anything we know. This gives them epic powers of wisdom and if you a devout follower of Bahamut, he will provide you with your own metallic dragon, gold, silver, brass, copper, or bronze, to be your mentor. You will go throughout your travels with this mentor and will be taught the wisdom of the eons in all dealings in human life at his scaly foot.
It may be hard for you to believe that dragons exist, as all evidence is to the contrary, but I have faith. Reason and evidence cannot touch faith, as you know if you are a religious person, and that’s why it’s called FAITH! This is not to say that I do not have my explanations ready, oh no. First of all, it must be understood that metallic dragons often like to take human form, and they can become any human they wish. Obviously, if you ask humans accompanying me if they are dragons, they will deny it, as they wish to not scare people and also to experience life from a human perspective so that they may grow in their own wisdom. Even when not in human form, dragons are gifted mages and may cast greater invisibility on themselves, which will render them undetectable even if they are damaged or attack.
Of course, it would be immoral of you to try and talk me out of my faith. Without faith in Bahamut, I would definitely turn to a life of unbridled immorality. My offenses would be the usual major crimes, such as rape, murder, and robbery, but also minor ones, such as wet willies, Chinese fire drills, and production of reality television shows. After all, without the wisdom of the great platinum dragon, there can be no morality. Children not taught the basic tenets of platinum morality during their upbringing, especially the crucial first ten years, are 75% more likely to get involved with dark necromantic cults. For without the absolutely morally omniscient teachings of Bahamut, morality cannot be absolute. How can you even know what is moral reliably relying upon your feeble human wisdom alone? No, you need the greater morality of he of the many colored eyes, he who shepherds in the morning frost, and the lord of all metallic dragons in order to be consistently moral.
If you are of a differing religion or a not-year-recovered atheist, I would ask you to please not be rude in your criticism of the Church of Bahamut. Bahamut is real. How do I know this? Besides my dragon mentor, who I trust you will not be so rude as to expect to actually meet or have his breath weapon demonstrated to you, I can tell you Bahamut is real because it has been personally revealed to me. For many years now, I have had diabetes without developing any serious complications. Some say that’s because I have, some of the time anyway, taken medication and I’m still relatively young so it’s too soon to tell, but these people are shallow rationalist knuckleheads. It is clear as anything has ever been to me that it is Bahamut who keeps me from developing complications and that it is his scaly wing that guides my physician’s hands when they get something right in terms of treatment. Do not be so presumptuous to ask me to prove that Bahamut exists. Of course he exists! Who brings the frost to the grass and to the windshield of your car? Thermophysicists seem to think that water vapor is just in the air and crystalizes at a certain temperature, but these people are just paid propagandists of the liberal academic establishment and there’s no evidence for frost just happening on its own. THERE’S NO EVIDENCE! SHOW ME THE EVIDENCE! I have been to many museums and read many textbooks and I can find no convincing evidence that makes any sense. Bahamut had to do it. Besides, you can’t prove Bahamut doesn’t exist and the moment you can I will become a sworn atheist, but until then I am just a humble servant of the great platinum dragon. Beware Tiamat and her Chromatic minions!”
Well written, Frank… I think I might just convert.