The Borg is in my Church… resistance is futile!

Welcome “Melissa”, our newest writer. She plays in the hand bell choir at her church, because she loves the art form and the ONLY place to express it is in local churches.  She’s an atheist and is going to share her stories exclusively here about her experiences listening to sermons from the “inside”. She goes to church so that the rest of us don’t have to.


Once a month, I sit in the front pew of my church for a double dose of Presbyterianism. I get to sing the same songs twice, hear scripture read twice, and listen to the all-too-informative sermon twice. I do this because I play for both Services in the Church’s Handbell Choir.  Being that I must sit in the front row, I have to pay attention the entire time, lest the Pastor glare at me or some such.

Sometimes I amuse myself by seeing how the sermon changes, watching for Choir members up on the Chancel to fall asleep, or perhaps attempting to day dream. Through it all, I am undoubtedly excited. More often than not, I happen to catch a Sunday when we do my most favorite thing.

Recite the Lord’s Prayer.

Yes, we say “debtors” and not “trespassers”, but that’s beside the point. If I don’t recite it and I instead listen, listen all the way to the back of the giant sanctuary, something magical happens. My church sounds spot on like the Borg from Star Trek. Oh, the joy of listening to this makes it very hard not to laugh through the entire reciting. It’s a long-ish prayer and I’m practically crying near the end.

Sometimes, we also recite, in unison, other paragraphs or call and responses, but nothing, nothing, compares to the overwhelmingly memorized and chanted Lord’s Prayer. The entire 200-300 piece congregation knows the entire prayer by heart and mumbles it in their barely-speaking, mustn’t-stick-out voice.

This now causes me to wonder in what other ways is my church, or churches in general, like the Borg? It turns out that they are very, very similar. The Borg use abduction and “assimilation” to induct people into their ranks. The same can most certainly be said with regard to Churches and Religion, especially when young minds are taken into account. The Borg and Churches both evilly integrate beings and cultures into their collective.

This makes me think of when the little kids from Sunday School join the Second Service for a “Message for Young Disciples”. It’s a mini-lesson, in front of the Church, for the kids to learn some back-of-a-cereal-box lesson about God. I watch as their young minds absorb the information and then dutifully pray. I observe this to be akin to a very slow Borg assimilation process. It compels me to attempt to devise a way to yank out their “cybernetic enhancements” connecting them to the “hive mind” of Religion.

The Borg’s catch phrase is “Resistance is Futile” and when it comes to resisting Religion, I’d have to agree, as I have done nothing to aid these young minds. For what is the point of resisting if we don’t speak out and sever our fellow human from the “hive mind”?

Perhaps it won’t all be for naught. The next time I sit through the Lord’s Prayer, instead of listening to the Borg, I shall instead listen for the lack of the Borg and reach out to this person. If I tread gently, perhaps I can at least work the “cybernetic enhancements” loose and begin the process of their freedom. I encourage others to do the same…

  • Rygads

    How so, Iggy’s Pal?? I don’t see any logical connection there.

    • Andrew Feinberg

      I guess you’re supposed to stand up during the sermon and yell out, “Attention everyone, I’m an atheist!”

  • Stan

    Target the Christ cube and fire transphasic torpedoes!

  • D0CK47

    I think if you would blurt out in a loud yell, “I’m an atheist”, an alarm would go off and Nuns in jet-packs with sunglasses and earpieces would break through the building quickly like a S.W.A.T. team and fly you out.

  • Zak

    My plumber is a Borg. I’d already noticed he was a foreigner from his contextual and grammatical English mistakes but the truth came to light one day when I’d asked him to refurbish my bathroom and he was having a problem removing the last three or four stubborn squares of ceramic.
    “How’s it going?” I asked
    “Resistance is few tiles” he replied

  • Zak

    Hi Melissa

    Seriously I’d really hate having to sit through all that boring superstitious stuff and it gives me the creeps to see people taking part in it, I feel surrounded by minds that are imprisoned and suffering, so I always avoid them, including family occasion, whenever I can. You can’t escape marriages and funerals, but I can handle those, their being so infrequent. Good luck anyway


  • Hayley

    I went to a xtian primary school where we’d say the lords prayer and the school prayer at every assembly. And my goodness, you’re right. I never twigged it before – it truly does sound like the borg!